I enjoy being a girl?

Sometimes I find it impossible to be a woman. Not because of my monthly visitor (insert your own personal euphemism here), or because I think the male species is out to get me. No, I find it very frustrating to be a woman because of other women.
I have never been what anyone would call a girly girl. Yes, I love Hello Kitty, Grey's Anatomy and the color pink, but there are a lot of things in the sorority of girl that I have have always been excluded from because I just don't think about those things. I can't get excited about home decor, my office is not cluttered with picture frames, and I have no tolerance for Dancing with the Stars. I work in an office that is predominantly female. Almost every morning starts off the same way. Everyone talks about the horrible news in the paper, some people discuss whatever happened the previous night on Idol, Jag or Army Wives, and sometimes we talk about our kids. However, when I get done telling my lady co-workers the anecdote about whatever cute thing my son has done this morning, I am out of things to talk about.
I'm not the only lady I know who is afflicted with this. My friend M. recently was told she didn't seem excited about her burgeoning pregnancy just because she drew a blank face when a co-worker asked what the baby's color scheme was. M. assumed the lady meant the colors of the nursery, so she complied with a, "Oh, we're doing Jungle theme, so I guess green." The lady corrected M. and said she was actually wondering what the baby's colors were going to be as in what colors the baby was going to wear on its body. Since she is having a boy, M. replied, "Not pink?" How does that translate to not being excited about her pregnancy?
I have a co-worker who loves showing me her girly things. Every new photo frame, piece of jewelry or scrapbooking piece she obtains, she is knocking on my office door. Her daughter has on several occasions worn Cairo syrup on her head in order to secure a pink bow, since the poor child didn't have enough hair to secure it. And the day she moved into her office, she covered every flat surface with framed photos. There wasn't even room for an in/out box. If she wasn't so nice, I think I would hate her. Today she showed me a bib she ordered for a friend. It was a blue and brown bib with Max embroidered on it, and although I choked out an, "It's adorable," I could not stop giggling in my head. All I could hear was,
"Max Power, that's the man who's name you'd love to touch,
but you musn't touch!
That name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it,
you musn't fear.
'Cause that name could be said by anyone!"
If you know where that is from, then me and you can hang.

The One Where We All Turn 30

I am a Superfan of Friends, so of course I had to include their tribute to turning 30. I hope my reaction to 30 is better than Monica's.

I'll cry if I want to

My birthday is approaching. I am going to be 30 years old. I have been asked what I want to do for my birthday this week, which leads me to believe that no one is planning a super sweet 30th birthday bash for me which would require me to purchase a new dress. Alas. I am going to have to stop wishing for it.
That has been my birthday wish ever since I was 6 years old. Not that my parents didn't try. My mom spun out some great birthday parties. Several of them taking place at bowling alleys, skating rinks, and our pool where she invited almost everyone in my class. She threw a surprise birthday for me when I was 9 that consisted of at least 10 girls jumping out at me and then telling me they were spending the night as well. Oh, and my mom totally rented Girls Just Want to Have Fun and Poltergeist 2 for us to watch. She got mom of the year that year. And as an adult I have had some pretty slamming parties. Two years running I had people traveling in for my party. And everyone was smart enough to bring a present, even though I said, "Don't bring me anything."
But I think the time for wanting a room full of people taking a moment to worship me is over. I have a kid, who is going to grow up thinking his mother is completely self-involved, and although that is true, I want him to come to that conclusion in his teens.
So my resolution for my 30s is less selfishness - even on my birthday. Mostly because no one really wants to grow up to be Edina from AbFab, regardless of how similar you might already be. Please watch the clip below.
However, in honor of not only my birthday but birthdays everywhere, I am showing clips from my favorite birthday parties. Enjoy.

Learning from the Master

My mother is a salesperson. She is the reason that I am a salesperson for a living. Due to her relentless training throughout my childhood on the art of the sale, I was able to bullshit my way into the job I have now with no professional sales experience and a completely unrelated degree.
And even though at times she has been a huge help in my life, it took me six months before I told my mother I had written a book. My family takes to books the way Mormons take to vodka. I am completely secure that my mother will never read any books I would ever publish. However, she would be happy to watch any of them that might be made into a mini-series. But that's not why I didn't tell her about the book. Mostly I didn't want to hear the whole time I was writing it, "Why aren't you writing a cook book?" or, "You should write about your great aunt Flossie." So when I finally told her, and she processed the fact that selling the book could equal dollars, she got excited for me and compared it to when Greenlee sent Kendall's book to be published on All My Children. Even after I explained to her that the publishing process is quite different when you are not on a soap opera, she has remains as supportive as she can.
She doesn't ask me questions about it everyday, and as long as I break it down to her as a business, she can relate.
So the other day, my uncle stopped by her store bragging on one of his step daughters. Since he has remarried, his current wife has been dragging children out of the woodwork. When they got married, she had one daughter. I think the total now is 6. So my uncle was bragging that his 14-year old stepdaughter was a writer. She has written a book and turned it into her teacher. The teacher was so impressed with it that she is sending it off to a publishing house and the book will be published.
I'd like to think that I am above petty jealousies of a 14 year old. I'd really like to.
So my mother, God bless her, explains to my uncle that it is not so easy to get published. That it is hard work, and you don't get published after sending out one letter. She relayed a few stories I shared with her about my friends trying to get works published. She explained to him that even the ones that do find publishing houses have years before that book actually hits the shelves.
He didn't listen to her. No one really wants to believe its that hard to write a book.
But I love my mom for sticking up for me. In her own really sweet way she defended my struggle and basically said, "Shut up about your stepdaughter."
Here's to moms!
And in honor of mom's everywhere, please check out this website. It is texts and e-mail messages moms have sent their kids. I could not stop laughing at all the Costco references.

Conversation between a fashion person and a non-fashion person

Fashion Person- Wasn't what she wore beautiful?
Non-Fashion Person - She had a bird on her head.
FP - But wasn't it beautiful?
NFP - The bird?
FP - The outfit.
NFP - With the bird?
FP - (Nods smiling)
NFP - I guess, as far as birds on the head go.
FP - But weren't the colors beautiful together? Didn't you think it made a bold statement?
NFP - It was a bird on her head. I guess the statement would be, "I'm ridiculous."

Obviously, Fashion people and non fashion people do not always see eye to eye. I went to see the Sex and the City movie with a non-fashion person. This is a little strange because 75% of the movie revolves around fashion. There were three different fashion shows in the movie- two of them starring Miss Carrie Bradshaw. So hearing someone say, "Oh my God. What is she wearing?" throughout most of the film is kind of eye opening because I was saying the exact same thing, but with an entirely different tone.
Fashion people see clothing as just that - clothes. The stuff you put on your body so they won't be walking around naked. It is functional and should be comfortable. Most of the world thinks along those lines, otherwise how do you explain Crocs.
Fashion people aren't always looking at the function as much as the concept - the big picture. Taking the vision and then taking it apart. Yes, Carrie was wearing a bird on her head at the wedding, but a fashion person would look at that and then tell themselves, "That is awesome. I want to wear feathers on my new hat."
I have always been a style person, holding tightly to my own personal style until I was in college. I liked clothes, but I didn't understand photo spreads in magazines, and I really didn't understand designer clothes. Until a friend of mine told me that you can't look at a photo spread and think, "Is this something I could wear to Wal-Mart?" Because these are not clothes to wear as much as they are to admire. It is art. Art that you can lay across your body, and all the colors and shadows and textures are created by the way the body forms. So when you flip through Vogue, the photo spread should create a mood, a feeling, a reaction.
And although I might not agree with everything that Carrie Bradshaw wears, this is how the character shows her courageousness. How many people, real or fictional, are bold enough to wear a fake bird woven into their bridal veil? It was daring. It was beautiful. And it brought about the exact images that Patricia Field and Vivian Westwood intended - Marie Antoinette. Who was also know for wearing birds in her hair (except real ones). It was opulent. It made a statement. And the blues and greens were luminescent on the ivory gown.
But to a non-fashion person, its just a bird on the head.

Too much togetherness

I just read this article about a Buddhist Couple who have made a commitment to never spend more than 15 feet apart at all times. The idea behind their vow is to confront their anger and jealousy head on and be able to tap into the deeper emotions about why they want to be together. Mostly, this is a commitment that allows for a lot of pre-planning. If they cannot be seated next to each other on a plane, they take a new plane. If one goes to the bathroom, the other stands outside the door and waits. I don't feel my response to reading this was much different from anyone else's, "Seriously? Why would anyone want to do that?"
This article came with a cluster of articles on yahoo regarding marriage and fidelity. I am assuming that with wedding season upon us, writers are trying to develop topics that eager brides would want to read. More ridiculous information on that page was how to affair-proof your marriage. This is typically something that doesn't concern me. If my husband were to leave me for anything it would be season tickets for the Phillies, and even then he would come home as soon as the season was over. No biggie. And me, well, allowing another man to see me naked would just open a new can of insecurities about my weight that is not really worth the effort. A lot of the "Affair-proof" tips were pretty much things that couples should know anyway: Take time for yourselves, treat each other with respect, listen to each other. Luckily no where in the article suggested wrapping yourself in plastic wrap or going on a shopping spree at Victoria Secret. Those little bits of advice places the blame solely on women, that they are not being sexy enough and ignoring the fact that women also cheat.
But back to the Buddhists, who fascinated me the most because they have both taken a vow of celibacy. They are spending all this time together but they cannot have sex. How frustrating. This vow has caused some controversy because in the Buddhist community, living with a woman goes against vows of celibacy. I guess it is hard to believe that people who spend days on end together only 15 feel apart are not doing it like bunnies. Any married couple who has gone on a road trip knows different.
My husband and I are getting fairly close to the 15 feet rule, because not only do we live together and work in the same building, was have also added carpooling together in an effort to save on gasoline. We get up at the same time every morning, we take our kid to school together and we ride across town to the building of our employment. In the afternoon, its the same thing in reverse. Does this make us more enlightened? No. It mostly makes us cheap. But we will have a deeper appreciation of our time apart. And our commutes to provide adult alone time where we can have real conversations without someone screaming, "Bob, Bob, Pants, Square" in the back seat.